The Tide
by birdofthesummer
I am hiding beneath a pew, breathing in thick motes of dust. I want to cough; my lungs burn with the effort it takes to stay silent. I scratch at my wrist. A pair of black boots passes close to my head. They are shiny enough to reflect my face: My eyes are wide and rimmed in red. I am so tired.
“Come out, come out, little boy…”
I am so tired.
The clock begins to sound, one gong after the other, the striking of each hour making the floor shake harder than the pounding of the soldier’s boots. Jackboots, I think. Is this how they felt, the Jews, the cripples? A bead of cold sweat slides over my forehead. The clock strikes ten. I blink, slowly.
“Are you not here, unholy beast? Could you not pass over the threshold?”
Eleven. Twelve. In my head I see the clock tower, see the heavy iron cross that sits at the top. I imagine it without the red ribbon.
“You are here!”
I cannot help it—I wince. I wonder if he can smell my fear. I wonder if they all can. How do they find us? Beneath the plastic of their masks, between the folds of their red coats, tucked into the shafts of their tall black boots, do they hide magic, mirrors and smoke? Do they have the noses of dogs? Do they have cat eyes? Are they animals, or men?
I swallow the fear with the dust. I cannot give myself away, not when it has been so long: Thirty seven days and twelve hours. I have been running for thirty seven days and twelve hours. I will not be caught.
I see the man, three pews over; see the hem of his red coat as he bends down to look beneath a pew. I gasp soundlessly. A cloud of dust climbs up my nostrils and into the cavern of my throat. It takes me by surprise: I cough. The stiff fabric of the man’s coat does not sway as he jerks to a halt. He is like a statue, a stone gargoyle. I imagine long claws digging into the wood of the pew. I imagine ropes of saliva dangling from gaping jaws lined with sharp teeth.
These images come to me in the space of a second. Before the man can spring to his feet I am rolling out from beneath my pew and scrambling up.
“I see you!” he screams, and I stumble slightly, my bare feet catching on some invisible flaw in the floor of the church. Do not look behind.
The pews sit still and resolute. The church is dark and calm and I wonder if God is watching and if he can see me running. I wonder if he knows about me. I wonder if he agrees with the Tide, if he hates me, if he smiles grimly when my hip catches the corner of a pew and I fall sideways. Does he lick his lips in satisfaction when my head cracks against one of the stone tiles that make up the floor? Is it his will that guides the black-gloved hands that catch me by the scruff of the neck when I try to climb to my feet?
“Filth,” hisses the soldier, and I close my aching eyes. He shakes me, screaming.
“You do not sleep! Wake, you little demon! Speak!”
I open my eyes to stare up into his masked face: Round, rouged cheeks, smooth ceramic skin the color of cream, perfect pink lips, and black netting in oval eye-sockets. It is an angel’s face without the romance. It is coldly perfect, unapologetically inhuman. Its empty eyes see me for what I am: abomination.
“Where do you run to?” The voice is harsh, hideous. In the movies it would be a voice from Hell, not Heaven. “Who hides you?”
I do not answer. In my mouth are the tastes of dust and copper. Death and fear. On my tongue I hold the essence of thirty seven days of living as an Un. Unwanted, Unholy, Unlawful, Unfed. I am wrong. I am against the will of God. I must be destroyed. This is what the Tide would have me believe. This is what the man before me, with his hard, machine-made mask would have me believe. I want to break out of his hold. I want to spit in his face. But this is not a movie. I am not a hero.
The soldier of the Tide hurls me across the aisle, into the side of another pew. I cry out. I make to sit up but he looms over me.
“Why do you live?”
I stay beneath him, on my knees. I imagine that beneath the mask, his furious face is the color of tomatoes, of peppers, of roses. Fairy-tale objects that my mother would sometimes buy from stores. His voice is a roar. My heart races as I try to remember.
It was February. In the store there were bunches of flowers: roses and carnations and lilies. Some sat pre-arranged in pots, accompanied by balloons or containers of chocolate. Happy Valentine’s Day! That phrase was printed on everything. I chewed an apple and pushed the cart while my mother picked out vegetables for that night’s meal.
“Marcus,” she asked, snapping her fingers at me. She did that when she wanted to hold your attention while she thought of what to say to you. Sometimes she’d have her other hand on her hip. Other times she’d wag a finger at you. It looked like a dance move.
“Marcus, are you going to get some roses for that girl of yours?”
I ignored her and looked for somewhere to toss my apple core. Her snapping stopped. I heard the crinkle of plastic as she bagged several peppers and dropped them into the cart. Why weren’t there any garbage cans in the grocery store?
“Hello?” My mother pushed the cart out from beneath my elbow and I stumbled to stay standing.
I sighed. “What, Ma?”
“You’ve been mooning for a week. You gonna get the girl a gift?” she asked.
“What girl?” Did I sound nervous? I took the cart from her and steered it down the aisle, past organic juices and fruits. I dropped my apple core into a trash can that was sitting beside an abandoned table—one of those set ups where they lined up plastic sample cups and filled them with a new product—without pausing my pushing to try what looked like orange juice. I turned and crossed into onions and potatoes. Mama put a hand on my arm to get me to stop. She ripped off a new bag and glanced at the onions.
“Oh, ‘what girl?’ he asks,” she said, shaking her head, “Is that how it is, buddy? You’re seven, not seventeen? You can still get away with playing dumb?”
“Mama, there isn’t a girl.”
Stop asking. I want to say it each time I look back on this moment. They’ll hear you.
She bagged a large Vidalia and then sat it beside the peppers. She tsk-ed.
“O-kay, Jack. Whatever you say.”
I stared at her. “Ma, I’m serious. There isn’t.” My hands were shaking. I didn’t push the cart, though she was clearly ready to move on, standing there with her hands on her hips. My mother had a narrow waist, wide hips, and a full head of thick, dark hair that she often wore twisted up behind her head. She was a beautiful woman with warm brown eyes and skin the color of creamy coffee. She trusted me with everything but my love life. No mother trusted their children with that, then. The fear had set in. All of the mothers were asking their sons: Who’s the girl? They did not ask: Who?
“Marcus,” she says, half-laughing, “I’m sorry. I believe you. You don’t have to get so nervous.”
Nervous.
That’s what did it.
The laughter fell out of her eyes. I saw it happen. Her face drained of color and she gaped at me, her lips stretched pale and thin. I gritted my teeth.
“Ma,” I hissed, “Pull it together.”
“Marcus,” she whispered. “It’s not…”
It’s not you. It’s them. That’s what she wanted to say. I could see it in her face. But so could anyone else who bothered to look.
“I know. But stop. Someone will see.”
She nodded shakily and then stepped up beside me. Her palm was slightly damp when she took my hand in hers.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she said softly, her voice terribly sad.
I squeezed her fingers.
“I thought I would have more time,” I replied.
We fell silent, moving through the aisles, playing pretend. She asked me if I wanted any cookies, because she knew I loved them. I tried to smile when I told her no. She grabbed ground beef, and milk, and paper towels. She tried so hard to seem normal.
“Excuse me, but can you help me with something?”
The woman approached us in the cereal aisle. She was tall. She had short hair the color of steel and a sweet smile. My mother swallowed as she looked up at her.
“I don’t work here,” she said, trying to sound light.
It is at this moment of remembering that I try to recollect whether the woman’s eyes were really as empty as they are now in my mind. Did I know, then? I hear Jack in my mind; I see his dirt-smudged cheeks shift as he speaks. “They’ll find us all, eventually. We can’t hide who we are.”
“Oh, I know,” the woman answered. “I just wanted to ask whether your young man there had a girlfriend.”
My mother’s gaze sharpened. “I don’t see what business that is of yours,” she said. Her voice was cold. My heart ached.
The woman lifted her eyebrows. My mother gripped the cart with one white-knuckled hand. Silence hung between them, heavy and hard.
“I don’t have one,” I said. My voice sounded rusty. I cleared my throat.
“Oh?” The woman’s eyes were not empty now. They were savagely pleased. I flexed my fingers.
I shook my head.
“Why not?”
“Marcus,” my mother said, “You don’t have to answer that. Let’s go.”
“I…” My voice shook. Realization was setting in. The woman was almost smiling. She knew. She knew.
“She’s right,” the woman said. “You don’t have to answer me. I’m sorry to have bothered you.”
And she walked away. But it was too late.
Now, here, I am caught again, found out. I stare into another pair of empty eyes and feel the same cold fear. My mother is no longer with me. There is no one left to stand up for me. Somewhere, Jack waits for me, expecting food. None will come. I will not come. He will fall asleep, arms empty. I clench my fists.
The soldier is still screaming about abomination, about the will of God, about every law that I am violating by existing. He kicks out. An explosion of pain erupts from the spot where his boot meets my ribcage, and I scream.
“Silence! You do not scream, demons do not feel pain—“
I feel it, suddenly, finally: a white hot rage that starts in my stomach and climbs into my chest, up my throat. I lunge forward.
The man gives a strangled yell as I crash into his waist and send him falling backward. I climb on top of him, howling, furious. I tear his mask from his face. Beneath it there is nothing but a human face, just a man with small grey eyes and a slightly bulbous nose. For a moment, I feel a twinge of sympathy. But then I catch his gaze and hold it, and I see the hatred glazed with shock. And I punch that face as hard as I can.
He screams as his nose shatters beneath my burning, bony knuckles and I scream back, raking my nails over his broken face. I dig one of my thumbs into his eye sockets. He bucks beneath me. I fall against him, my cheek beside his. I sink my teeth into his ear and tug.
His shock has worn off entirely now. He pounds my side with his fist, trying to shove me off without separating his ear from his skull. Blood is filling my mouth. I am going cross-eyed with nausea and pain. The soldier is shouting Off! Off! But I will not let go, though I am nearly choking on the blood. Is this how the others have felt? The others who have died?
The Tide calls us Uns. We are no longer faggots, homos, or pussies. We are nothings. We are nobodies. We do not deserve to exist.
No one expected the Tide to spread so quickly. They looked the other way. They shook their heads and rolled their eyes until the flags began to crop up everywhere, until the fear turned people into traitors. The Tide called themselves holy, said that they were servants of God. It was like Hitler, Jack said, like the Nazis. One second all of the other countries were ignoring it, letting the desperate Germans rally, and then they were staring, open-mouthed, at genocide.
Jack, I think. It is Jack who is filled with anger, Jack who is open, Jack who had to run first. I have always been the quiet one, the passive one. I kept my identity hidden. I did not buy him roses.
I snake an arm up beneath the soldier’s coat, trying to weight him to the ground with my body. I punch him in the neck with my other fist as I feel for the sheath on his belt. He snatches at my arm and yanks, but it is too late: I have his knife in hand. I release his ear and wrap one hand around his throat. He punches me, hard, in the gut. I curl into myself and roll off of him. He dives after me.
It is almost too much of an effort to lift my arm high enough and put the necessary force behind the blow, but somehow, incredibly, I manage it. The blade meets the exposed skin of his throat and drives deep. His eyes widen. They are human for an instant. And then they are dead.
I crumple to the ground. Nothing moves but the blood that is draining steadily from the body of the solider. Red. The color of the Tide. Draining away.
Pain and exhaustion settle into my bones. They hold me there, on the church floor. I wonder again if God can see me, but I do not question his will. I think of Jack, his blue eyes, his hands, the skin at the base of his throat. I close my eyes and do not worry.
You see me now, Jack? I think. I believe it. If I die and arrive in Heaven, God will let me in.